Summer adventures part 1

So I just finished the school year with a wonderful visit from my sisters.  They came for the last two days of the year and we explored Yakima, Seattle, and San Juan Island. I really enjoyed getting to see parts of the state with them that I had never seen before.

In Seattle we stayed in South Lake Union, which had an awesome view of the Space Needle.   The first day we explored the city, and went to the Chiluly Garden and Glass.  It was one of the happiest, prettiest museums I have ever visited.  For dinner we had the best sushi I have ever had.  On Sunday we explored Pike Place and went on a distillery tour.  We also found a new favorite restaurant in Seattle and met my friend Kristin from PACE.  Then Willie had to go back home and go to work and the twins and I continued the adventure together.

Here is a picture of us at the Chilhuly Garden in Seattle, right under the Space Needle

From Seattle, Elizabeth, Anne and I head off to Anacortes to catch the ferry to San Juan Island. On the way there, we saw a pod of orcas! They were really far away, but it was super cool to see them in the wild.  On the island, we stayed in Friday harbor and spent a day and a half being tourists, tasting wine, eating ice cream, and seeing the parks and beaches.  Then we had to head to Sea-Tac so Anne and Elizabeth could head home.  It always makes the time fly when I get to spend it with family.

I think this summer will be full of adventures- we are heading the the beach for the 4th of July and then I am going to a teaching conference in Las Vegas. In August we are heading to NJ for my older sister's wedding.  Before I know it, school will be starting again.

To give up, or not give up?

   So Lent is just around the corner, and Willie and I are going through our usual bout of what to give up, or should we even.  I'm not going to lie, in past years the things I have given up have been more for a healthy fresh start rather than spiritual renewal.  Last year I didn't give anything up, and instead tried to do something extra, which was all well and good, except that I obviously set the bar way too low and when Easter came around I don't know that I was honestly any better for my Lenten observance.
     I started thinking about this post by looking at some of the things that I had put on my list back in January, when my friend Andrea suggested a list of things to accomplish in the year, rather than New Year's resolutions.  Unfortunately most of those are personal, not spiritual- things like "run more 5ks" and read at least 10 nonfiction books.  So then I moved on to what have been the most positive growing experiences in my life this year?
    So here is what I am doing for Lent this year: Every day I am going to give something to someone I care about.  These may be little things, like a card, or a piece of candy to a coworker, or bigger things, like a book that made me think of you.  I think that focusing on others rather than myself is exactly what will help me to grow the most this Lent, and also help brighten someone else's day, I hope.

If you are interested in getting a letter in the mail, or a postcard, or a craft or something- please post in the comments below.  Thanks!

Thoughts after 10 days of intentional positivity

Two Fridays ago I had a moment of teaching that I wasn't proud of. In a moment of frustration I literally screamed "No, No, No!" while throwing papers on my desk. I don't normally throw temper tantrums, and I was really upset with myself. So, after beating myself up for the weekend, I decided to make a drastic change. For one week, I was going to think positive, act positive, and speak positive. I wanted to see what choosing to look on the bright side would do for me professionally and personally.

So last Monday, I entered the classroom with an intentionally sunny attitude. I have a really tough class this year, and I wanted to see what my attitude would do for me.  To be honest, that first day seemed like the world, my class and my life were conspiring to steal my positivity.  But I made it through, and by Wednesday I realized things were getting easier.  A few days in, my class got in trouble for being negative in their speech about another teacher, and I wondered if I should share with them the way I was challenging myself to look at the positive.  So I told them the whole story to try to build some morale.  And here's where I totally underestimated my students, something that I'm not super proud about either.

13 of them asked to join me.  

So for a week, 14 of us chose to look at the positive and decided we would check in together at the end. Their written checkins made me realize what a cool thing we had done together.  With no identifiers, here are some of the things they said.

"I realized that I was doing better in school and work was easier to get done.  I had more free time because staying positive helped me get started on work faster without complaining."

"Choosing the positivity challenge was an easy choice. I want to be a better friend and peer."

"I noticed that me being positive made other people be positive also."

And this one was so good I am sharing the whole paragraph:
"I think I had a good experience attempting the positivity challenge. I not only noticed that the people around me were happier, but I was as well.  This week I had a hard time trying to stay positive, but I think if I tried it more often, it would get easier to notice the good rather than the bad.  I think being positive is hard because we see others as competition, not friends. It's easier to put someone down to put yourself up than to put someone else up and have people think better of you.  If we all just tried to be positive for one day, we'd know more about each other and make new friends."

I couldn't have said that better myself.   Our classroom truly was a different place this week.

A Productive Weekend

Last weekend was a welcome break from the craziness of the first week of school.  Out here, we start our school year before Labor Day and then the long weekend gives us our last tastes of summer.  We lived our last weekend to the fullest!  Here's what we did:

We canned and canned and canned.  14 jars of peaches in syrup, 7 jars of peach sweet and spicy salsa, 10 jars of regular salsa and 5 jars of pickled red onions.  We worked with friends and it was a really fun day.  Here are my attempts at food bloggery photos.

Lining them all up on the fireplace and then putting them away made me feel a bit like Grandma Tildy from But No Elephants, so longsuffering Willie let me read that to him afterwards.  He said he identified most with the elephant :)

We also brewed a batch of beer for Alex and Amber's wedding in October.  Alex was the best man in our wedding, and he and Willie were roommates for years.  We are so glad he and Amber are together-they are great for each other.  And Amber and I have a lot in common because she is also a teacher.  Here are our brewing pics:

Willie had already made one batch, and is making another today at Alex's bachelor party.  When all is said and done, I think he will have made half the beer for the wedding, which is awesome!

And the last cool foody thing we did this weekend was use my birthday paella!  Ever since I studied in Salamanca in 2006, I have wanted to make a real paella.  For my birthday Willie got me the pan, the rice and the chorizo, which is no mean feat when you live in Yakima.  We had a bunch of friends over and feasted...a perfect end to a great weekend!

End of summertime

So the summer break is winding down, and I wanted to revisit some of my goals that I had set for myself earlier in the summer. I definitely had some successes, but in some areas I didn't accomplish all that I had wanted.

Goal 1:read at least 50 books from school. While I didn't finish this goal, I did read nearly 50 books this summer, but many of them were adult books, not books from my classroom.  However, I did discover the Alix London mystery series and another cozy mystery series, both of which I look forward to continuing.

Goal 2: clean the clost.  I already posted my hugely successful pictures :)

Goal 3: write the portfolio.  This is my weakest goal.  I did get a bunch written, but I did not finish the portfolio.  My new goal is to finish a rough draft of entry 1 by the start of the year....which is next Tuesday. Wish me luck!

Goal 4: search classroom deals.  This is the ideal time for this goal, and I am on it.  The paper hoarding has begun!

Goal 5: I feel very successful here.  I attended a conference, read two books, and aligned six curriculum maps.  I am ready to help my students meet standard!

Some other cool things I did this summer include:

Learning to do a waterfall braid

Learning to crochet!  I have wanted to do this for so long!

Traveling a bit, including exploring my new home state (or not so new, but more permanent)

Helping Willie get ready to go back to school

I am sad to see summer go, but happy to be back with an exciting new class and awesome new co-teacher!

Some time at home

So the time has rolled around for my yearly summer pilgrimage to New Jersey.  While I have been living in Washington for 6 years, New Jersey remains, and probably always will, my home.  Besides the usually gluttony on Dunkin' Donuts coffee and taylor ham, two delicacies unavailable to me in Washington State, it has been lovely to just spend some much needed time with family, whom I haven't seen in a year.
I had coffee with my friend Christine last night, and she said something that got me thinking.  During our conversation she said, "I love my twenties.  I am really proud of what I have accomplished in them."  Her positivity made me look at my own twenties with a critical eye.  I still have two years left in my twenties, but what got me thinking was that Christine wasn't measuring herself by other people or their standards, but by her own ideas of what is important.
So here is my non-comparison based list of what I am proud of accomplishing in my twenties:

1. Getting healthy:  At age 20, I hit a personal low.  I weighed 98 pounds and was struggling with depression.  By working with several good therapists and spiritual directors, I was able to put on some weight and began running- something I love.  While it is still a battle to love my body, I am a healthy 130 now and have run 6 half-marathons, something I wouldn't have dreamed I could do at 20.

2. Becoming (and staying) a teacher:  This is my vocation.  To make it happen, I took the risk of moving to Washington, and everything has worked for the good.  I love my job, my students, my coworkers.  I know this is the profession I will continue to grow in and love.

3. Meeting and marrying the right person:  Willie is the yin to my yang.  We met at a trivia game at Bert's pub in 2009 and got married in 2013.  We have a wonderful life together and it is just starting for us.  The world is our oyster.

4. Finding my inner leader: I used to be a pushover.  I had perfected my role of "side-kick friend" and always felt vaguely unhappy in that.  I think my biggest obstacle to overcome in this regard was the fact that I constantly compare myself to other people.  This is still something that I am working on, but I know it's gotten a lot better.

5. Taking a leap of faith: At 21, I packed two suitcases and moved to the West Coast.  I didn't know I had it in me, but I did.  I have now lived there for six years, and while I would love to move closer to my family, the idea of being in a new place and learning new things no longer scares me.

If you are reading this, and want to take the time to comment, what are five things you are proud of accomplishing in any decade of your life?

A success story

Project closet is official done!  Here's what it looked like when I started:

 I started by taking every single thing out and deep cleaning.  We're talking mopping, scrubbing etc.

Then everything went in, but this time in an order that made sense.  I got rid of a lot of stuff too.

Summer goal one= accomplished!

Summer goals

School is officially out for the summer, which means as someone who has my summers "off" I can finally do all the projects I haven't had time to even think about in my room.  I've spent the day and a half since the last child got picked up to start their summer adventures looking over my pinterest boards, reading organization articles and prioritizing my to do list for this summer in the classroom.

1. Read more books in my classroom library.  This one will be a real hardship for me- reading as many books as I possibly can. When I finished my masters degree, my final project was developing a better library in the classroom, and with well over 500 books, I think I am on my way to succeeding.  My goal is to read at least 50 of these books that I haven't had time to yet, starting with award winners so that I can recommend books to students with more ease.

2.Clean out the closet in my classroom.  Teachers who are reading this are being overcome with envy.  I have a closet in the back corner of my classroom.  I can store textbooks, art supplies, class novels etc. here, but it still has remnants of the last five teachers who had the room in it.  This year that will change and a new era of not saving bizarre things like pinecones and handsoap will begin.

3. Write my proteach portfolio.  As a teacher in Washington State, my portfolio for my professional teacher's license is due in January.  I have been hoarding student work all year, and this summer I am going to organize it, then buckle down and take the time to write the entire portfolio.  This will give me the beginning of the school year to edit and have people help me proofread it.

4. Search out deals for my classroom.  I stole this idea from Scholastic.  Their blog had the idea of writing the supplies you always run short on and then stocking up during the beginning of the year crazy school supply sales.  For me printer paper is always the biggest issue, so I will start looking at ads about halfway through the summer.

5. Common Core- insert sinister theme music here.  I know there has been a lot of debate about common core, but regardless of the people who think it is Satan overtaking education and the people who think that it will single-handedly save American education, I think it is a new set of verbiage that I have to learn.  So I am attending my third conference for ELA teachers to help me do just that.

My hope is that come August I am prepared for my best year of teaching yet!  (And yes, complete these five goals will take most of my "off" time this summer.

A bit of a rant

I had a really rough day yesterday, and without getting into specifics, here are the things I wish I could have said if I had time to think.  Sorry if this feels like a bit of a rant.

I have been teaching for six years.  Not super long, I know, but long enough to have figured several things about myself as a teacher, my students as learners and their parents as their advocates.  I am a good teacher.  I know my subjects, and I know how to explain them to others.  I differentiate instruction, use data to inform my best practices and blah blah blah.  A student leaves my class knowing more than when they entered.  I am strict because I know that my students can be excellent, and this is what I want for them.  

In addition to knowing my subjects, I know my students.  I know their families, their older and younger siblings, their interests, their friends.  I use my time after and outside of school to support them-I go to their sports games, their concerts, their church celebrations.  I even volunteer extra time to teach them dance free of charge.  I can tell when one is having a bad day, or when another is frustrated about prepositional phrases.

I know that you, their parents want what's best for your child- but here's something you may not have realized about me: I want that too.  More than anything else, my job is to help your child be successful where it really matters- in personal responsibility, kindness, and always giving challenges their strongest effort.

Here's another thing you may not know about me: I love my students.  Yes, that includes your child.  I cry when their grandparents pass away.  I feel empathy when they break their arms and legs and fingers and can't do all the things they want to do.  I see all of these things, and I don't judge your child only by their words on a paper or their scores on a test. 

 Please don't judge me by the one time I ask them to redo an assignment because I know they can write a more thorough answer.  Please don't judge me by the one time I ask them to please stay in dress code because that is an important part of our school identity.  Please don't judge me when I remove a distraction from your child during a test- as long as it isn't gross, I WILL give it back after class. You don't hear about the cards we write when someone is having a hard time, or the cookie prizes for a job well done or the books I find for the classroom for just your daughter or your son.

I do these things because your child is excellent and can be even more excellent- and I think that's what we should all be working for together.

Currently reading....

So one of my favorite things about being a teacher is the time I have to read in the summer.  While it is still one of my pet peeves to hear "Oh that must be so nice to have the summers off" (honestly, anyone who grew up with a teacher as a parent realizes you never have time OFF, just time without students) it is a glorious thing to be able to read like I did as a child.

I remember the summer after eighth grade, when the teen librarian at the Warren Township library had to ask me to stop filling out the book forms for the summer reading program because my younger sisters and I were messing up the lottery system for prizes.  She said they had tried six times to pull a ticket before getting a non-Appert name.  Instead, I could just come once a week and pick out a free book (these were the prizes).  Books were something my sisters and I devoured- if you left yours lying around, someone else would jack it and finish it first- sometimes this was even my dad.

Today I gave myself permission to just read- no errands to run, no deadlines to meet, no plans to fulfill.  I decided to tackle some books I am using for a Literature Circle unit next year, so at the time of this post, I have just finished reading Walk Two Moons by Sharon Creech, and before yoga this morning I read To Kill A Mockingbird by Harper Lee.  Both will be options in a lit circle unit focusing on social issues and strong female characters. While I was certainly reading with my students in mind- is the subject matter of TKAM too mature for middle school? is the multi-layered plot of WTM too confusing for my struggling readers?  I also was blown away by the power of a beautiful book.  I cried when Salamanca finally made it to Lewiston, Idaho (a place not too far from where I live) and learned what had really happened to her family. (I am being careful about spoilers...you really should read both books.) I was angry at the choices people made in TKAM that resulted in innocent and guilty alike suffering at the end.

And this is why I give my students these texts.  To be able to empathize with anyone is a gift, and sometimes literature is one of the only ways that is possible for a middle-schooler.  I have three more books to go- Julie of the Wolves, Roll of Thunder Hear My Cry, and Dicey's Song.  I'll see how many more I can finish today.

She's back....

So I was talking to my good friend Sara Nolan probably a month ago, (and those of you who know Sara know that she is a blogger extraordinaire) and she encouraged me to start this blog up again.  Recently I have been trying to be more creative, and Willie suggested that I start writing again.  So here is my first attempt at the new and improved She Laughs at the Days to Come.

Since my last post, I have made some significant changes in my diet, and have been successfully gluten free for two years.  I have seen some really positive results, such as no more migraines and putting on some much needed weight.  Most of the time I don't miss the gluten, but there are some sad times when it comes to desert.  So for my first post back, here is a delicious gluten free recipe for Earl Grey Lemon bars, which I adapted from a Cooking Light Recipe.

Crust:
Cooking spray
1 1/4 cups gluten free flour mix (I use the Land o' Lakes recipe)
1/3 cup powdered sugar
2 Earl Grey tea bags
1/8 tsp salt
8 tablespoons cold butter

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

2. Combine ingredients for crust, using 1 tsp of Earl Grey tea from one bag.  Discard the rest of the bag.  Cut in the butter until the mixture resembles a coarse meal.  Press into  the bottom of a pan that has been sprayed with cooking spray.  Bake for about 19 minutes or until golden.

Filling:
1/4 cup lemon juice
1 cup granulated sugar
2 tablespoons gluten free flour mix
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
2 teaspoons grated lemon rind
3 large eggs
1 tablespoon powdered sugar.

1. Microwave lemon juice on high for 30 seconds.  Add the second tea bag to the lemon juice and steep for ten minutes.

2. Combine granulated sugar, flour and baking powder in a large bowl.

3. Add eggs and rind to lemon juice and whisk together.

4. Combine wet and dry ingredients, pour onto hot crust.

5. Bake for 23 minutes or until set, then cool on a wire rack for at least 30 minutes

6. Sprinkle the top with powdered sugar.

Enjoy!

I love Portland!

So this week I decided to escape to Portland and fell in love with the city all over again. I have been here less than 24 hours, and already I am hooked. I am staying with Ruthann in a lovely house in Northeast Portland, which is painted in the most cheerful bright colors, with cool windows and hardwood floors. I am more than a little jealous when I think of my own tiny cinder block dormesque apartment back in Yakima.

Yesterday we had breakfast at the Tin Shed, which is one of my favorite Portland breakfast places. Another amazing thing about this city is that it is incredibly easy to eat gluten-free here. Every menu has tons of options and clearly states their ingredients. I am currently sitting in a little coffee shop waiting to meet my friend Elizabeth for lunch. I miss being able to meet up with people in the middle of the day to chat and catch up and find weird and delicious foods.

I went to Powells this morning and stayed within my 30 dollar budget, which I was more than a little proud of.

2011-2012 is going to be the year of adventures, I can just feel it. I've already been to San Francisco, Seattle, Portland, New Orleans...I am getting a traveling itch just in time to head back to the East Coast and visit family and friends. I'll try to post a few more of my travels as I make them.

Springtime

I feel like spring is the time when dreams come true. A week ago I got a part in the chorus of The Music Man. I am so excited! The shows are in July, so for the next six to eight weeks I am in rehearsals four nights a week. This is literally one of the dreams of my life! I am so excited! I have always wanted to be in a musical, and The Music Man is by far one of my favorites. I cannot believe how lucky I am. Another great thing about the whole situation is that I am meeting new people, which I am sure will make next year a lot more pleasant here in the Palm Springs of Washington.

Last night I made my first foray into the world of cooking fish. For Willie's birthday I made ahi tuna steaks with spinach and edamame salad and wasabi mashed potatoes. Not only was it completely delicious, but it looked pretty and I realized that I want to experiment with more ingredients that I don't usually use. It can actually be affordable when you are only cooking for one person.

We have only two more weeks of school to go! I am so excited to be done for the summer. This will be the first time in five years that I haven't been in school for the summer. I may look for some tutoring jobs to make a little extra cash, but for the most part I am looking forward to reading lots of books and writing and singing. I am hoping to go home to New Jersey for a while in August...so NJ friends, let me know what you are up to then!

Religious musings

Last week I had the honor of hearing Sr. Helen Prejean speak at an NCEA conference. If you ever get to hear her speak...DO IT. She wrote Dead Man Walking, which was later adapted into a movie starring Sean Penn and Susan Saradon. It is her mission to end the Death Penalty in the United States. Now, I have always considered myself staunchly prolife, and it has always seemed to me that we can't have it both ways. Why spend so much time protecting innocent life if we don't also protect guilty life? After hearing her speak, I came back to my religion class prep full of new zeal to include even more information about the death penalty in my classroom.

And that's when I got really upset. After checking numerous Catholic websites and finding tons of information on abortion, including resources for kids and lesson plans, I found maybe 2 paragraphs about the death penalty. Most sites didn't mention it at all. On one website I took the time to write out a lengthy question about where to find such resources and posted it in the life issues forum. Yesterday I got an email back saying that it didn't fit in the life issues forum and to post it somewhere else. How is the death penalty not a life issue? This was a MAJOR Catholic media site for the USA.

In the midst of all this, Pope John Paul II was beatified. I had been following the story with interest and even drove out to the farm to watch some of the news coverage with Willie. In religion class, I tried to engage my students in the discussion, but all they could talk about was the death of Osama Bin Laden. I wondered what the Pope would have said if he had been alive to see this day. For some reason, the rejoicing in Bin Laden's death made me very uncomfortable. I think that the spokesman for the Vatican said it best:

"In the face of a man's death, a Christian never rejoices, but reflects on the serious responsibilities of each person before God and before men, and hopes and works so that every event may be the occasion for the further growth of peace and not of hatred." - Fr. Federico Lombardi, Vatican Spokesman, May 2, 2011

I am sore. Very sore.

So, in a moment of mental weakness, I signed up for another half marathon in Seattle this summer. Two days ago I went for my first run of the warm weather season, and I am still recovering. I know that tomorrow is another running day, but I am really out of shape. I have to say though, I forgot how good I feel after a nice long run. It really clears the head after a long day of work, and it seems like those are all I'm getting these days.:)

In more exciting news, I get a nice long weekend this week and Willie and I are heading to the beach. Some friends are coming up from Portland too, and I am just so glad for a weekend of reading and relaxing. I have two murder mysteries, two young adult books and my journal all ready to go. Add a pina colada, some extra sleep, and long walks on sand... I am ready.

For those of my friends and family who are the praying type, please keep my friend's baby in your prayers. He is only four months old, and today he had his third or fourth major surgery to reconnect his intestines to his colon. Unfortunately they had to remove more of his colon in this surgery. They are a very amazing little family, and this is their first child.

Nothing is certain but death and....

Taxes. For those of you who can already see where this is going and are fleeing from the impending rant, I don't blame you. For the last two years I have worked for literally NO pay and this is the second year that I have totally screwed by my one attempt to something to give back.

If anyone knows a mysterious way to deduct the income that comes from an AmeriCorps award, I would really appreciate it. Right now I have 6,212 dollars of mysterious income that I never saw that supposedly came from our government. (The actual amount of the award is MUCH smaller.) Unfortunately, even though I never actually got to do anything with this money, I have to pay through the nose for it. To add insult to injury, I can't even claim it as an educational expense, at least not from what I can tell.

I am really stressed out about this. I didn't really have a place in my budget for huge taxes that come from spending TWO years as a VOLUNTEER!

Why don't adults write book reports?

This week each of my students had to hand in a portfolio of their strengths as a student. In their masterpieces they had to tell me what kind of assignments they enjoy the most and why. The response was both typical and overwhelming. Many of them couldn't think of a single assignment they enjoyed. :) A few told me that I was only steps away from being the perfect teacher...if I would just never give homework. But many of the more reflective 12 year-olds believed that book reports were the most fun and also the most interesting assignments.

Of course this got me thinking: why don't adults write book reports? I remember in middle and high school, the highest recommendation a book could receive was that your friends liked it. I remember when Laura Provinsal's mom bought her a series of Christian romances, we all read them. When Liz and I got hooked on Harry Potter, everyone wanted to borrow the books when we were done. My students are the same way- those who "hate" reading will pick up almost any book recommended by their peers.

I actually miss writing book reports. My solution to this is easy- the next time I assign one, I will simply make one of my own. Maybe I'm crazy, but I'm sure there are others out there who miss talking about a good read, or somehow presenting your book and creativity to a larger audience. I know I do.:)

Any suggestions for a good book to start with?

Resolutions

One of my resolutions this year was to write more. So far it's been a slow process, but between sporadic journaling, dusting off the books and revisiting the blogs, I'm doing my best to get on my writing feet again.

I was at a meeting last night of Catholic women sharing faith. By far the youngest at the event, I realized that part of the reason I struggle with making faith-filled friends is because we are so wary of really sharing our stories with one another. Last night I learned so much about myself from listening to two women answer a short series of questions about their own struggles and joys in faith. It made me think that there are so many stories out there, so many inspiring men and women who could teach us so much.

But these voices don't all have to have the wisdom that comes with age. I wish that my peers in their twenties would come and tell their stories too. What are your struggles with your faith? Where do you find joy? What is a scripture reading that inspires and guides your actions? What is a piece of wisdom you would share?

If you are reading this, please let me know your answer to at least one of these questions. I think you'd be surprised at how inspiring you really are. :)

Musings

There's a glorious anonymity about a blog no one reads anymore. It gives a space to hash out feelings in a semi-public catharsis that heals the disease of not listening or taking the chance to speak one's mind.

As I travel through the summer, I've come across some harsh realities in reading the writing of some people I really admire: my younger sisters. In the true experience of sibling rivalry, it pains me to know that they are more talented at writing than I am, as this was always the area where I prided myself on being different from my eight siblings. Keeping that entirely to one side, it also made me realize that living away from home has forged a gap that I'm not sure I know how to fix all the time. I learned that some of the things I valued so much about my last year at home ultimately led to my little sister being hurt by the people I trusted. I hate that. I loved running into her on campus my senior year, hearing the joy-filled "It's my sister!", meeting for lunch,introducing her to my favorite people: bosses, professors, friends. I feel like knowing that these people turned on her ruins that.

I feel like people flower in my absence, and I miss the bloom. My best friend is getting married, and I was never there to hear the little ins and outs of the relationship. They started dating after I left, so I never got to hear about the funny day-to-day happenings or watch as they fell in love. I know this sounds creepy, but I feel sometimes like she is marrying a stranger, and the longer I am gone the more true it feels. She's never even met the guy I'm dating. They will meet at her wedding.

I filled out forms for a race recently, and I had no emergency contact. No one geographically close enough to come if I needed help. I drove to and from a half-marathon alone, ran the race without anyone I knew.

This is more depressing than I meant it to be, but the reality of next year is hitting hard and fast. Another year without my family. Another year that they grow closer and I grow farther away. Another year to "make a difference" when I'm not sure I know how anymore.

School's out for the summer...almost!

I have one more contract day until I am done with being a PACE teacher. It's a little bit crazy to look back over the last two years and see how much I've grown and changed because of and sometimes in spite of the program. I am not the same girl that packed two suitcases two years ago and set off across the country to give back to her community. These last two years have been the hardest and lonliest of my life, but also the most rewarding and strengthening.

Stepping away from my family and friends has given me the opportunity to define myself, instead of letting their lives and experiences of me be who I am. For this reason it gets harder and harder to define "home", as I am caught between the community I have built for myself out here and the communities that were built for me back on the East Coast. The people here know the professional Emily, the one who struggles with caring too much about people who don't care for her. The people at home know the Emily who was quiet and reserved, and very conservative in her faith and viewpoints. I don't think I'm entirely either of these people any more.

I am packing up my bedroom and with it my memories of PACE. Steve's superman picture reminds me of the many times he bailed me out of interesting situations and our heart to heart conversations in the car. The photos of me and Kristin smiling at a party are a tribute to the girl who taught me it was okay to have fun and let loose every now and then. The stickers and school supplies from the other Kristin remind me of the teaching friends I learned so much from. That was one amazing year.

There is little in my room that speaks to this year. No photos, cards or knick-knacks to remind me of the people who have shared this second PACE experience with me. Maybe this is a good thing. It will make it easier to let go of the past and move forward into a brighter year next year. It will be hard to continue to work with the people who have made this year so difficult, so it is perhaps better to have few reminders of them.

My books are the friends that span both homes. both communities, both experiences. I will take these with me into my new life next year, a life outside of PACE.